Pogo A-Go-Go

I just had one of those senior moments where I couldn't remember whether I had already covered this toy -- and I can't believe I haven't since I've actually SEEN this one. Not in use, thank jeebus, because I would have peed myself laughing.

I mean, seriously, how can you keep a straight face when confronted with the Pogo Stick Fucking Machine:







Yup, that's for real.

And only $139!

Can't figure out how it works? No worries! Here's a helpful illustrated guide!








I'm not sure if I'm incredibly grateful or vaguely disappointed that there isn't an accompanying demonstration video.

I'm sure there's one out there, mind you - but I'm not going to go looking for it.

Santa Baby

Ho ho ho! It’s time again for your yearly installation of fucked up creepy ass Santa vibrators!

As covered previously:



Your Childhood, Ruined

And what have we for you this year, boys and girls?



Santa Boy Toy

Complete with removable hat and "snow" topping.... EW!

At first I looked at this and thought $99 for that plastic piece of shit? Oh hell naw.

But then I realized, that’s the BULK price. For 10 of them.

YES YOU CAN BUY THESE IN BULK.

I wish I had known that earlier for my office Christmas party, as I would have totally PWNED the white elephant exchange.

Also:



Also, please note that two of these toys contain the phase “cuming tonight.” Really?

If you’re going to make a shitty and emotionally scarring Christmas sextoy, at least have the decency to spellcheck your marketing slogan.

And finally:



Stuff that up your chimney!

Personally, I really want to see the coal-shaped kegel exercisers that will turn sparkly if you squeeze ‘em hard enough. Now THAT would be Christmas themed sextoy!

Happy Holidays to you all, SSF fans!

The Clamdigger

This week’s feature is yet another selection from Pipedream Products, which is quickly becoming my new favorite go-to place for delightfully bizarre products (these are the same folks who brought you the Titty Fuck No and The Decapitated Head)

So what have we here? Why, it’s the Cumfy Clam!



Doesn’t that look comfy? Like, comfier than a mattress of kittens floating in a cloud of marshmallows?

First off, this needs a version with a little fake beard – not just for the hirsute fetishists, but so you can name it the Cumfy Bearded Clam. Because beards are comfy, amirite? Then you can dress it up in flannel and call it the Lumberjack Special.

But I’m getting off track – let’s get back to this here MOLLUSK INSPIRED SEXTOY. Because, nothing says “comfy & cozy” like a mollusk, amirite?





I think the Pipedream folks should just take the mollusk thing and run with it – why not have an Oyster Pocket Pussy with Pearl Clitoris? It would make excellent companion pieces to the multitude of Cephalopod inspired sextoys (Squid Pro Quo, Cexxxy Cephalopod, The Octopenis) that we’ve already covered here.

And that, friends, concludes today’s Zoology lesson here at Scary Sextoy Friday.

The Pierced Be-Atch

Let’s cut straight to the chase, shall we?



Yes, you too can relive the '90s, when tongue piercings were a unique and exciting way to rebel against authority! Maybe pull out your old flannel shirt and bust out some Pearl Jam while you go to town on this here disembodied grunge goddess.

Unfortunately I can’t find a bigger picture, as I really want to figure out what the eff that other weird lump is next to the piercing – is it just me, or does that look like a wart? And why is her tongue flesh colored? Creepy.

And furthermore - why you gotta call her a be-atch? Is the maker of this sextoy some jaded dude who was trying to get back at the tongue-pierced alt Jezebel who broke his heart in 1996 and then kept his limited edition release of Nevermind personally signed by Kurt Cobain?

Also, please note: the box says “Mini Pierced Be-Atch” – so, is she a little person too? Is this simply the travel version and there’s a full-sized Pierced Be-Atch out there on the marking? Inquiring minds.

And hey! Free Legend DVD inside? Like, a porno version of the Tom Cruise flick from the 80s?

Because, I actually might watch that.

Microphilia LoveDoll Fail

Yet another addition to the "Rememeber when Amazon sold BOOKS?" category of incredulity:

Japanese Pleasure Toys Cyberskin Beauty with Moveable Limbs



Click here for an even more disturbing larger image that shows the horrifying detail.


Only $86.99! You save $103.72!

Other that the fact that this is horrifying on so many levels, it's also really confusing. I can't tell what the bulb-like attachment is for, but please note that it comes with Battery pack for real life squirming and moaning -- wow.

But the best part about this being on Amazon? The reviews. OMG THE REVIEWS.

When I looked online I thought this toy was going to be around 5 feet tall instead when I recieved it the toy was only the size of a baby...it is fun to take in the shower and very discreed. But, I wish it was bigger rather than the size of a baby.

Yeah, dude. Hauling that thing in the shower is TOTALLY discreet. I bet no one would notice at all at, say, the locker room of 24-hour fitness.

The only two complaints I have about this doll is the look and size of the hands and feet...creepy (don't know why?).

Yes, because CLEARLY the ONLY thing creepy about this tiny chained misshapen woman who's the size of an infant are the hands and feet. CLEARLY.

I can totally see a person who is into Hentai (large monster = you, and small woman = doll) loving this doll up in a role play fantasy (though doll does not look hentai).

Well, actually -- hentai is a general term for Japanese anime porn; what you're talking about is Microphilia, the fantasy of being a giant and sexually dominating a tiny person. Not to be confused with Macrophila, which is the opposite.

...and speaking of Macrophilia! This gives me an excuse to post one of my all-time favorite IM conversations, between myself and fellow writer Muffy Diver, who used to freelance for me a few years back.

I had assigned Muffy to cover the annual Dirty Show in Detroit, and the following exchange occurred:



Muffy: i met a macrophiliac at the dirty show. Macrophilia refers to sexual fantasy involving fictitious giants.

Molly: WOW

Muffy: Macrophilia has two main forms: the shrinking of self and the enlargement of others.

Molly: Who was the macrophile?

Muffy: this chick on stilts. she was dressed as a cat. which i thought was overkill. cat *and* stilts?

Molly: GIANT CAT

Molly: iz turnin on ur macrophiles

Molly: macrophilia macros!

Muffy: I CAN HAS STILTS?

Molly: GIANT LOLZ

Muffy: I'M IN UR TOOLSHED, CLIMIN UR LADDIR

Molly: I'M IN UR MOUZE HOLE LOOKIN EXTRA TINYS

Muffy: AHAHAHAH


And now, I want to make macrophila macros all day. There goes my Friday!

Just Clownin' Around

This week's reader submission should not be viewed by anyone with coulrophobia - the debilitating fear of clowns.

I don't actually fear clowns, I just really hate them.

And this sextoy is not helping:







Wrong. Just wrong. Especially the little + eyes that make it look dead - so we toss in a little necrophilia there for variety. It's a Juggalo's wet dream!

Fucking magnetic clown sextoys. How do they work?

Rump Tower

So, a bunch of you emailed me this week about the Cracked article on expensive sextoys.

Not to sound all scary sextoy elitist, but....yawn! I can find WAY creepier expensive sextoys than that. $350 for a gold pair of handcuffs? Puh-lease.

How about a $368 buttplug shaped like Trump Tower?







BAM!

And yes, it’s called Rump Tower. Oh Oxballs. I really, really love you guys.

Not sure when this piece was released, but I really wish I'd found it back when Donald Trump was in fullscale Obama birther blowhard mode. Because then we could all have told The Donald exactly where to stick his presidential campaign BS:

WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE, DON.



All that’s missing is a shitty toupee on top.