Friday, March 9, 2012

The Sac Chop

This week's entry is a no-nonsense, stainless steel creation designed for CBT (that's Cock & Ball Torture - not Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy)

This will probably spark some involuntary leg-crossing for you guys who aren't into CBT -- but keep in mind, some guys are, and if getting their nuts locked in a vice is their idea of good time, then more power to them! Personally, I'm not into Miley Cyrus, but if you are, you go on and nod your head like yeah. Especially if you're into listening to Miley Cyrus during CBT.

But enough blathering! Behold the Nut Crusher:



All I have to say?

You're gonna love my nut crusher.

Friday, February 17, 2012

The Spiked Chindo

Today's reader submission, from a couple of folks in Northern Europe, is another variant on the Accomodator (see: the chest dildo and the Benny Hill sweeper)

This one, however....well, it has SPIKES.



Yes, this Extreme Chin Dildo is described as a "spiky dildo has a soft vinyl coating and a rigid interior." They also refer to it as a "chindo" -- not nearly as catchy as squildo, IMNSHO.

Did I miss something? When did spiky cock become the next big thing in the sextoy industry? Remember the Porcupine Raver?

Anyway, this reminds me of those Craig Morrisson bug bags that were all the rage with goth chicks back in 1996:



I love the incredibly uncomfortable fake smile plastered on the model's face. And I wish the photographer had taken the photo from a full profile angle, so we could really see the full protrusion of this bad boy.

The 3/4 angle really robs the product of its full impact. Stop being arty and just showcase the spiky chin dick, Mr. Wannabe Artsy Sextoy Photography.

Friday, February 3, 2012

The Squildo

OK, first off -- this is pretty much the best click-to-enter window evar:



Secondly, the name of this reader-submitted contribution is Free Range Silicone.

Obviously meant to refer to silicone sextoys -- but I was kinda hoping it was a farm of cage-free porn stars happily wandering grassy fields. I'd totally watch a live webcast of that, wouldn't you?

Anyway, I clicked "OK" -- and then this happened:





This is what Cthulhu's cock would look like if he were a raver in the 90s.

Aptly titled the Squildo, this is yet another entry in the Cexxxy Cephalopod catalogue, and clearly a cousin of the calamari buttplug & matching ballgag by Elastica Engineering. Wow, I never thought I'd actually wind up needing a "tentacles" tag for a sextoy blog.

The Squildo has a hefty price tag - $145 - but we are talking about a handcrafted, artisan piece here. And, most importantly: this is a free range squildo, not some poor, sickly, caged squildo that was raised in terrible conditions at one of those unethical and cruel squildo farms. Here at SSF, we firmly believe that cruelty-free squildos are the only way to go.

Now who's gonna turn that free-range porn star farm into a reality show? C'mon Internet, let's make this shit happen!

Friday, January 6, 2012

Pogo A-Go-Go

I just had one of those senior moments where I couldn't remember whether I had already covered this toy -- and I can't believe I haven't since I've actually SEEN this one. Not in use, thank jeebus, because I would have peed myself laughing.

I mean, seriously, how can you keep a straight face when confronted with the Pogo Stick Fucking Machine:







Yup, that's for real.

And only $139!

Can't figure out how it works? No worries! Here's a helpful illustrated guide!








I'm not sure if I'm incredibly grateful or vaguely disappointed that there isn't an accompanying demonstration video.

I'm sure there's one out there, mind you - but I'm not going to go looking for it.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Santa Baby

Ho ho ho! It’s time again for your yearly installation of fucked up creepy ass Santa vibrators!

As covered previously:




Your Childhood, Ruined

And what have we for you this year, boys and girls?



Santa Boy Toy

Complete with removable hat and "snow" topping.... EW!

At first I looked at this and thought $99 for that plastic piece of shit? Oh hell naw.

But then I realized, that’s the BULK price. For 10 of them.

YES YOU CAN BUY THESE IN BULK.

I wish I had known that earlier for my office Christmas party, as I would have totally PWNED the white elephant exchange.

Also:



Also, please note that two of these toys contain the phase “cuming tonight.” Really?

If you’re going to make a shitty and emotionally scarring Christmas sextoy, at least have the decency to spellcheck your marketing slogan.

And finally:



Stuff that up your chimney!

Personally, I really want to see the coal-shaped kegel exercisers that will turn sparkly if you squeeze ‘em hard enough. Now THAT would be Christmas themed sextoy!

Happy Holidays to you all, SSF fans!

Friday, December 16, 2011

The Clamdigger

This week’s feature is yet another selection from Pipedream Products, which is quickly becoming my new favorite go-to place for delightfully bizarre products (these are the same folks who brought you the Titty Fuck No and The Decapitated Head)

So what have we here? Why, it’s the Cumfy Clam!



Doesn’t that look comfy? Like, comfier than a mattress of kittens floating in a cloud of marshmallows?

First off, this needs a version with a little fake beard – not just for the hirsute fetishists, but so you can name it the Cumfy Bearded Clam. Because beards are comfy, amirite? Then you can dress it up in flannel and call it the Lumberjack Special.

But I’m getting off track – let’s get back to this here MOLLUSK INSPIRED SEXTOY. Because, nothing says “comfy & cozy” like a mollusk, amirite?





I think the Pipedream folks should just take the mollusk thing and run with it – why not have an Oyster Pocket Pussy with Pearl Clitoris? It would make excellent companion pieces to the multitude of Cephalopod inspired sextoys (Squid Pro Quo, Cexxxy Cephalopod, The Octopenis) that we’ve already covered here.

And that, friends, concludes today’s Zoology lesson here at Scary Sextoy Friday.

Friday, December 9, 2011

The Pierced Be-Atch

Let’s cut straight to the chase, shall we?



Yes, you too can relive the '90s, when tongue piercings were a unique and exciting way to rebel against authority! Maybe pull out your old flannel shirt and bust out some Pearl Jam while you go to town on this here disembodied grunge goddess.

Unfortunately I can’t find a bigger picture, as I really want to figure out what the eff that other weird lump is next to the piercing – is it just me, or does that look like a wart? And why is her tongue flesh colored? Creepy.

And furthermore - why you gotta call her a be-atch? Is the maker of this sextoy some jaded dude who was trying to get back at the tongue-pierced alt Jezebel who broke his heart in 1996 and then kept his limited edition release of Nevermind personally signed by Kurt Cobain?

Also, please note: the box says “Mini Pierced Be-Atch” – so, is she a little person too? Is this simply the travel version and there’s a full-sized Pierced Be-Atch out there on the marking? Inquiring minds.

And hey! Free Legend DVD inside? Like, a porno version of the Tom Cruise flick from the 80s?

Because, I actually might watch that.