Dear readers, you should know that most of my findings here at SSF are found on the great Wide Web o' Wrong, and rarely do the actual physical toys come into my hands (thank GOD).
This one, however, I received in the mail some time ago, and immediately locked it up in the Cabinet of Misfit Sextoys along with the Fisthorn.
Not because I was scared of it, but because it was staaaaaaaaanky!
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the
Blow Guard:
And trust me, it fucking reeks -- and tastes even worse!
This product is marketed as an oral sex enhancer that "takes the 'job' out of blowjob." It's essentially a weird, destined-to-fail hybrid of a dental tray, a mouth guard and a mini bullet vibrator.
From the product descriptor:
“Avoid tired jaws, exhausted tongue, teeth nicks while delivering mind-blowing oral pleasure at the same time!”
Okay, if you are
nicking your teeth on your partner’s genitalia, s/he needs to seek help from a medical professional immediately, and possibly an exorcist.That said, I’m sure we’ve all had a case of sore jaw/sprained tongue, so perhaps this product make sense in theory, but the execution is all wrong.
First of all, it’s uncomfortable, and it reminds me of getting my teeth bleached at the dentist (apropos, as the product was designed by one).
Second of all, you look like a fucking idiot. I mean, just a raging, utterly moronic douchewaffle, with a big fleshy piece of silicone sticking out of your mouth, fucking VIBRATING no less. I guarantee you that your partner(s) will run out of the room, tears of derisive, mocking laughter rolling down their face.
And the final nail in the coffin? IT TASTES DISGUSTING. It has the nasty cheap plastic smell of the
Fisthorn, and when I first put it in my mouth I literally gagged – it was like deep-throating a Cabbage Patch kid. BLECH!
The product comes with strawberry-flavored lube, but this is essentially the same thing as drizzling deliciously creamy hot fudge over an anchovy and rotten meat sundae.
Blow Guard: it totally blows.
