Scary Sextoy Friday: I Am Henry's Unremitted Fail

Today's offering is so fucking epically fucked up that it even skeeved out the seen-it-all Pro-Domme who sent it to me.

Please prepare yourself accordingly, and make sure you've recently used the restroom and have no beverages in your mouth.

Moving on:

Unless you've been living under a rock where there's no wifi, you've probably heard of this little site called Etsy where crafty, creative folks can vend their wares: from art to knicknacks to clothing and jewelry, Etsy has some really cute, unique stuff...

...and also a whole lot of WRONG that's right in line with the spirit for SSF.

And unfortunately for you all, those two worlds just collided in a spectacular display of WTF.

Meet Henry the Etsy Dildo:





Or, as the Pro-Domme so succinctly described it, “dirty old mancrumpet.”

I’m not sure what’s worse, the fact that this disgustingly bizarre GeezerPenisCreature thing ever saw the light of day, or the fact that it’s SOLD OUT.

From the Etsy description:

Henry is made from non-Toxic Silicone and has hand painted marbles for eyes. Henry was born from the notion that there are many different kinds of people in the world that love many different kinds of things... and that love can often be found in the most unlikely of places!

Henry measures 13 inches from head to... um... head, and possesses around 5 inches of male usefulness.

You know it's not so much the warped, curled fingers or the lumpy, unappealing penis protruding from his hairless, wizened body... it's those cold, unfeeling eyes staring blankly at you...



GUH!!!!!!

(I should also note that it won’t be too long until Henry turns up on one of my favorite sites, Regretsy: Where DIY Meets WTF

The seller, NoetikCreations, appears to be a theatrical prop maker in Dallas, and their only other current item for sale is a...thing designed after the mutated stomach baby creature Kuato in Total Recall.

I kinda blocked any recollection of that movie out of mind (didn't we all?) so I googled Kuato, only to come across this:



And this:



OK, KIDS, THAT'S IT.

THE INTERNET IS CLOSED.

EVERYONE GET OUT OF THE POOL.