But I digress; thanks to yet another fantastic submission from Laudanum, I've got the PERFECT horrifying sextoy for your Halloweekend. Now presenting:
DEATH BY ORGASM
Yes, it's really called Death By Orgasm. I wish I had the man from movie trailer voiceovers to announce that for me, over and over again.
DEATH.
BY.
ORGASM.
Totally the name of my new thrash metal band.
But back to the vibrating Scorpion:
Previoulsy I had heralded the Death Dong as the gothest sextoy ever, but I may have to revoke that title in honor of this here adorable little vibrating scorpion with the wee coffin case carrier - it even has a sad little raven perched atop a headstone in a darkened cemetery. OMGOTH!
From the product description:
Invite a creepy crawly between the sheets and let him pince, sting and tickle you in the most terrifyingly tantalising way. Powered by a 10-speed bullet, the scorpion's jelly rubber sleeve is ridged, noduled and tapered for exquisite vibrations."
Well, now that my vagina has curled up into a ball and my skin is crawling, let's watch this informative video, shall we?
AHHH!! IT'S TWITCHING! OH DEAR GOD IT'S TWITCHING! AHHHHHHHH!
As traumatic as that just was, it was totally worth it just to hear the lovely model say "it's still vibrating away quite happily" in her British accent.
QUITE, INDEED!
Cheerio, then. Have a Happy Halloween, you buggers!
I honestly despair, I mean WHY a scorpion? Although let's be honest, there's a lot of OHGODWHY in the sextoys of this blog.
ReplyDeleteHaha.
Clearly, one day someone was helping a child (perhaps their own) with a Creepy Crawlers toy, and thought to themselves, "It would totally be great if I could rub one out with one of those gelatin monstrosities".
ReplyDeleteAnd thus the wheel of inspiration continues to turn...
Are you... you're not meant to... INSERT this, are you? WHY OH GOD WHY?! My orifi have slammed shut and put up an "out of business" sign.
ReplyDeleteI have a reputation for writing deranged porn, but truth is stranger than fiction.
Oh, just fucking great. Now my wife is crouched on top of the freezer with a can of Raid and her legs locked together.
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteThat is pretty much the BEST. COMMENT. EVAR.