Scary Sextoy Friday: Tentacle Haute Couture

So, apparently some media outlet picked up the Zombie dildos and a bunch of you wrote me saying "oh hai, zombie dildos!"

To which I probably said, HUR, been there, done that!

Remember, folks: you heard it hear first at Scary Sextoy Friday!

But since I last waxed ecstatic over the brilliantly fucked up minds at Elastica Engineering, they have been hard at work at developing even more deliciously demented sextoys & accouterments.

And, thankfully, they have finally solved one of the pressing fashion dilemmas of all time: what do I wear to a tentacle porn opera?

Why, tentacle opera gloves, of course!



(Note: I have no idea if a full-length live tentacle porn opera actually exists, but since I just typed it, I believe rule #34 will now take effect and we'll be seeing it on off-off-off Broadway any day now.)

But I digress: these Latex Squid Diddler Gloves feature "full hand enclosure with NO FINGERS these squid tentacle themed long opera gloves are a fun costume piece and a light bondage game all in one suction cup encrusted package!"





Dude, come on. Tell me you don't want to wear these are run around the office squawking like a... uh... tentacle beast.

By the way, quick SSF Public Service Announcement: Not All Tentacle Beasts Are Rapists.

But perhaps you're not headed to the tentacle porn opera - maybe you're just going to the tentacle porn open mic and need something that's a little less formal?

Never fear! They have a wrist length option for all of your informal tentacle porn social obligations!



I'm sure Mr. Blackwell would approve.

Scary Sextoy Friday: The Anal Ring Toss

Are you hosting a holiday party and unsure of how to keep your guests entertained?

Are you tired of Twister, Pin the Tail on the Donkey and other ho-hum party games that are meant for kids?

Do you secretly hate your friends and wish to humiliate them while mercilessly laughing at their expense?

THEN YOU NEED THE ANAL RING TOSS!



The Anal Ring Toss from Extreme Restraints is guaranteed to turn a boring bash into a holiday hoot! (Hint: for extra challenge, use jelly spiked cockrings instead of the yellow hoops provided -- or use it in conjunction with Erotic Fucking Ball for a bouncing good time!)

And in case you can't tell how this device is used, there's an instructional video.

Go watch it now.

And then marvel at how bad that dude's aim is. (The victory pelvic thrust is pretty good, though)

Scary Sextoy Friday: It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's...WTF!

Dearest readers - welcome back! I hope you all had an exceptional holiday. I took a bit of a break, since I needed it - I really just wanted to look at the turkey baster and *just* see a turkey baster, you know?

But I'm back, pumped, and ready to warp your psyche!

Over the weekend, I finally saw Kick-Ass - and was subsequently amused to find out there's already a porn version called Lickass

This week's toy looks like it came straight from the set of the latter:





Look! Up there in the sky! It's The Human Taint!

This latex hood from a German fetish fashion designer is...well, it's just... it's....I mean, it really is, isn't it?

The pussy, you see, is only for aesthetic purpose (otherwise, you're in for a HELL of a migraine) but the mouth serves as the asshole.

I'm not actually sure what his super powers are - other than, you know, sending the masses screaming in the opposite direction.

However, one of my astute male coworkers offered a different perspective:

"Pussy on the brain and an asshole mouth - yeah, that's me."