Animal Kingdom: The XXX Edition

Hey there SSF fans! So, I took a little break – hey, everyone needs a mental vacation every once in a while, even us smut peddlers! But I’m back, and to make up for it, I’ve got THREE fucked up toys for you this week!

It’s been a hot minute since I checked in on TSX, and, as always, they don’t disappoint when it comes to the WTF factor. I gotta give credit to TSX for going straight for the jugular -- there are no cutesy rabbit and sexy kitty vibrators on this site, fuck no! Remember, these are the same people who brought you Snakes On A Dick.

Cobra Commander Cock there not creepy enough for you? How about the Scorpenis?



For those of you keeping track, why, yes, that is in fact the SECOND scorpion-based sextoy that we’ve seen here: The Scorpion Shwing


I dunno, this Scorpenis looks more like a fossil than its namesake. Hey, why hasn't someone come out with a line of fossilized cock? (Insert random Hugh Hefner joke here.) TSX, you should totally get crackin’ on that Coelacanth Dildo. You know someone will use it in a prehistoric porn - I hear the Geico caveman is looking for work!

Moving on: if you’re looking for more squishy instead of scaly, how about the Octopenis?



Wow. Um, yeah. That octopus looks like it just had a really rough night in Vegas. Also, seen it already: Squid Pro Quo and Cexxxy Cephalopod.

Man, you know you’ve been writing this blog too long when you see scorpion and octopus sextoys and you’re all, “psh, whatever - been there, done that!”

Also, I strongly feel that anything called the Octopenis should straight up have 8 dicks. Don’t you think? Kinda like the cock version of the Sqweel.

OK, so blah blah, tentacle, blah, snake cock, blah blah, what have we here? Oh, the Serpenis. Let’s click on this, shall we?



AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!


WTF IS THAT SHIT???????????


That doesn’t look like a serpent, it looks like a....a...GRUB. With an even worse hangover than the octopus, bulging bloodshot eyes, a wiggling wormy nose, and...UGH!!! NASTY! OK, guess I’m not so jaded after all, because that straight up made me jump out of my chair.

So, I go to upload these to SexyPeek, and what's the FIRST image I see?

THIS:



AHHH! AHHH! NO MORE!!!

Well, that sure ruined my Friday!

Gee, maybe it’s time for another vacation!